How do we argue with respect? Drawing from the Crowley/Gates disheveled deck, we can find timeless lessons in the art of arguing. The guidelines below, stemming from time-honored rules of courtesy, help us to show our hand with diplomacy:
1. Listen: do not prepare a response while trying to listen. Giving full attention allows us to offer a thoughtful response.
2. Avoid “you-logizing”: most of us raise our emotional muskets when we hear “you”. So, keep the focus on yourself. Instead of saying, “But you said he was there!” try “I understand he was there”. If that is not possible, soften it: “If I understood you correctly, you said that…”
3. It takes two to tangle: if the other person’s temper rises, yours does not have to spiral with it. Take a breath and observe their behavior, don’t become entangled in it. For example, if I am the one spiraling, my spouse is apt to say “Let’s start this conversation over again…”
4. He’s not me: everyone is a product of his own unique life experience. This colors the way we see a situation and respond. Expect and respect a different frame of reference.
5. It’s not a family affair: an off-handed comment about another’s family member can cause a simmering argument to boil over. If they are not relevant to the conversation keep those who are near and dear out of it. If you must bring them in, do it in a cool, respectful manner.
Our forefathers are still spot-on! The Victorian Code of Etiquette decrees that a successful conversation requires all parties to
1. Listen with full attention
2. Know what NOT to say
3. Speak one’s opinion clearly and concisely
— JANET PARNES Janet Parnes is an etiquette consultant from Millis.
For more information, visit
www.etiquettefortoday.net.
MetroWest Daily News
Jul. 31, 2009
By Janet Parnes / Local columnist